Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
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