my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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