I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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