I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
