So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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