Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
