RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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