My room smells like vodka and shame
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Randomize
