these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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