My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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