my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
where are my eyebrows?
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