Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
