bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
