new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
