Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
