i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
