dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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