yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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