Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
