My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Randomize
