life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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