just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
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Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry about my life...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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