New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
