also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
