Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
