You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
