i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
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i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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