I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
