would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
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it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
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Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar