Texts From Last Night

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  (646): View more from New York

  I can't breathe out the right side of my face

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  (646): I can't breathe out the right side of my face http://tfl.nu/2qbr
  Replies (5) Good night (719) Bad night (1963)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?

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  (815): Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction? http://tfl.nu/2awn
  Replies (22) Good night (3533) Bad night (464)
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  (315): View more from New York

  i think i just puked on my phone

  (1-315): View more from New York

  we live great lives

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  (315): i think i just puked on my phone (1-315): we live great lives http://tfl.nu/f3zx
  Replies (10) Good night (1900) Bad night (783)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.

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  (503): I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any. http://tfl.nu/5jsz
  Replies (1) Good night (538) Bad night (2154)
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  (845): View more from New York

  This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.

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  (845): This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin. http://tfl.nu/f5uz
  Replies (45) Good night (775) Bad night (8058)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...

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  (320): Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs... http://tfl.nu/sf3t
  Replies (56) Good night (1412) Bad night (4157)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.

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  (708): High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay. http://tfl.nu/m4rp
  Replies (20) Good night (5160) Bad night (859)
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
  Replies (42) Good night (3706) Bad night (9038)
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  (707): View more from California

  He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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  (707): He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie. http://tfl.nu/yx94
  Replies (6) Good night (2862) Bad night (1189)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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  (217): she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening... http://tfl.nu/ap34
  Replies (5) Good night (881) Bad night (3098)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.

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  (630): Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus. http://tfl.nu/ls1i
  Replies (4) Good night (1855) Bad night (1040)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.

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  (520): I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people. http://tfl.nu/38n6
  Replies (6) Good night (653) Bad night (1140)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.

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  (319): I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls. http://tfl.nu/wkuc
  Replies (3) Good night (416) Bad night (718)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.

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  (303): Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair. http://tfl.nu/ft15
  Replies (5) Good night (713) Bad night (294)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??

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  (610): So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night?? http://tfl.nu/qtcd
  Replies (2) Good night (846) Bad night (283)

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