Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
