I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
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I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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