I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
