I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
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I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
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I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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