I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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