if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
