All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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