Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
