I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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