What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
