Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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