So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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