I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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