the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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