who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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