I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
