Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
