i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
