and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
