there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
