i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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