remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
