Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
