A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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