You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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